How do you like your Intimacy?

Valentine’s Day can be a day of celebration and appreciation, for your partner(s), but it can also be a painful reminder of the intimacy that may be missing from your life. Regardless of how you feel about this day, it can offer us a time to reflect upon your relationships and to question if your romantic needs and desires are being met. Whether you are happily coupled, throupled or living your best single life getting into the habit of reviewing our relationships can be an emotionally healthy practice. So, to get you started let us look at the different types of intimacy.

Physical intimacy: starting with the one that usually comes to mind first. This type includes both sexual and non-sexual forms of intimacy. Needless to say, there is a myriad of content on the topic of sexual intimacy and quite frankly it can be overwhelming! I feel this reflects that sex can be an overwhelming experience especially if that experience has been limited, negative or traumatic. Reviewing your relationship with sex is a good place to start: do you enjoy it?; Does it make you feel vulnerable or empowered?; can you take it or leave it? Your relationship with sex will change throughout your life but what is important is you get to decide how that journey will unfold. How long it will be; how fast or slow you progress; what is and what is not included; and who (if anyone!) gets to travel with you on that journey. Because there is such a focus on sex you can be forgiven for thinking that sex is the ultimate form of intimacy or is the defining characteristic of a romantic relationships. However, for many, this cannot be further from the truth. Those who are in asexual relationships do not include sex their relationship, but this does not mean their relationships are devoid of physical intimacy. Non-sexual physical intimacy (eg, hugs, kisses, holding hands, touching, playing) can be incredibly important in our relationships but it is not a universal requirement. For some any form of physical intimacy is unwanted and that is valid and should be respected. There are other forms of intimacy that you can use to define your relationships.

Emotional intimacy: this describes the emotional connections we make with others and this includes the components of safety, trust, empathy, sympathy and appreciation. In polyamorous relationships, where each person can have multiple romantic partners, emotional intimacy is an important aspect of the relationship dynamics. In polyamorous relationship dynamics many have a shared view that humans can connect with different people in different ways romantically and/or sexually and that your emotional needs and wants cannot be met just one partner. Because the traditional rules don’t apply here more work is done to define what constitutes a romantic relationship; the dynamics of each partner and what needs they are bringing to the relationships.

Structural Intimacy: a little acknowledged form of intimacy which is best demonstrated by those in monogamous relationships. Monogamy is the most understood, accepted and respected relationship model. This model is defined by the fact that all your romantic needs be they emotional, or physical, are met by one partner. In order, for this to be the case strict boundaries are put in place and agreed upon mutually which creates a structure. For many, this can provide a strong feeling of safety, security and societal belonging and if breached can be devastating. The fact that there are legal consequences for breaking these boundaries (eg, divorce on the grounds of infidelity or annulment due to the absence of sexual intercourse) serves to preserve these boundaries in the belief that as humans we need a sense of continuity and rigidity to thrive emotionally.

Therapeutic intimacy: what I feel is at the heart of the different forms of intimacy is connection. Life can be hard at times and the strength we draw, and support we seek, from our relationships can be therapeutic: relationships can promote healing and growth. This is at the core of Person-Centred counselling as it recognises that the building of a relationship between client and counsellor can provide the foundations from which the client can process, change and grow. The therapeutic relationship can provide many of the aspects of intimacy mentioned: structure is provided in the contracting and maintenance of boundaries; empathy provides acceptance and understanding to explore difficult issues; and some counsellors have been trained in the therapeutic use of touch.  It is apparent that in many ways the therapeutic relationship mirrors the intimacies we experience in our relationships and that can allow us to work through our struggles in life. However, the line in the sand is always that there should never be any sexual intimacy between a client and counsellor and that is because the focus of the relationship is on the exploration of the client’s experience of the world: where they can explore freely, without having to worry about meeting the counsellor’s needs or desires. Everything a counsellor shares or does in the relationship should be to aid in the client’s processing. This is what makes the therapeutic relationship a separate and unique form of relationship.

Although, the different types of intimacies have been presented individually within these different relationship models it is important to note that these forms of intimacy do not exist, or define, in isolation our relationships because the truth is romantic relationships, between consenting adults, can be whatever we want them to be. Human intimacy is complex and struggling to feel connected to others and to ourselves is something we all experience and can be a source of emotional confusion and pain. Relationships can be hard but what’s harder is trying to figure it out alone. Person Centred counselling not only offers the conditions, that can allow you to explore your issues with intimacy, it provides connection with another human being.

by Gavin McDonald